Louis C.K.: $780,000 From Beacon Theater Special Online Sales Going to Staff, Charity

Comedian Louis C.K., known for his crude and raw humor, made a serious announcement that he would be giving away most of the money earned from selling his Beacon Theater special online. During an interview on “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon” Wednesday, C.K. announced that he had made $1 million in sales from his online special so far because of ”a $5 impulse that 220,000 people had.” He admitted it was the first million he had made “all at once.” Perhaps struck with the joy of the holiday season, or just plain struck, C.K. said that he “felt uncomfortable having that much money,” so he divied it up: $250,000 went to production costs; $250,000 for his staff’s bonuses; and $280,000, the largest chunk, would be donated to five charities.
“I just started dishing it out,” he told Fallon.
C.K. said the charities include the Fistula Foundation, which helps abused women; Green Chimneys, which works with children and animals; the Pablove Foundation, which help children with cancer, Charity: Water, which provides clean drinking water to impoverished countries; and Kiva, a microfinance organization that offers small loans to people in need. The remaining $220,000 would go to fund a “new one,” C.K. added, laughing and pointing to his lower region. The comedian told “Nightline” anchor Bill Weir in a recent interview how he went rouge with the release of his “Louis C.K.: Live at the Beacon Theater” show, blowing off HBO and Comedy Central to sell downloads himself on his website for $5 a pop. Not only that, he also wrote, produced, performed and edited his fifth stand-up special on his MacBook Pro by himself . The special was posted on C.K.’s website, which has no corporate affiliation, on Dec. 10. Visitors can download the special for $5 using a PayPal account. C.K.’s comedic style has changed dramatically over the years. A decade ago, his act was more absurd, silly humor, but more recently, he goes for raw honesty. “It just kind of happened because when you start doing comedy you’re trying to think of funny things. You’re trying to find funny things, and you’re trying to be funny,” C.K. told Weir. ”At some point, you just get older. You grow up and you get tired of doing it and something happens where you just don’t care — you just can’t keep faking it, you can’t keep being fake.”
“Some people harden into a glazed version of their fake selves,” C.K. continued. ”‘I’ve seen them all the time. They’re frozen into this one face on stage. And after the show you’re like, ‘How you doing?’ and they’re like, ‘Yeah! I’m OK!’ And they’re living with some awful thing in their life. I said to myself at some point I’m either going to stop this or I’m going to do the wrong version of this. I was like, ‘these jokes suck.’ I had gone around many times with ’this guy’s funny, maybe he could do a TV show!’ ‘Ahh, maybe not.’ I’d gone that circle so many times, and I realized I don’t want to do this. Let’s really trash this career in a fabulous way.”

http://www.hulu.com/watch/311565/saturday-night-live-tebow#s-p1-sr-i1

Tim Tebow Saturday Night Live Skit

Chicago BEARS 10

Denver BRONCOS 13

[Announcer]

Another miracle win for the Denver Broncos who beat the Chicago Bears by 3 in overtime. The Broncos have now win 6 in a row behind quarterback Tim Tebow.

[Tim Tebow - Taran Killam]

Alright, alright, I want to thank you guys for believing in me. I know I started a little shaky out there, but we pulled it out ’cause we stuck together!

[Team]

Yeah….

[Tim Tebow]

And also, I gotta thank the most important person in my life, my Lord and savior Jesus Christ because I could not do this without him. Thank you Jesus!

[Jesus - Jason Sudekis]

Hey everybody!

[Tim Tebow]

Jesus! He has risen.

[Jesus]

Oh no no no – not really just a quick visit so ah everybody take a seat – go ahead take a seat. Chill out. Ah. First of all, you’re welcome. Yes I, Jesus Christ, am indeed the reason you’ve won your past six football games, alright.

[Tim Tebow]

I knew it!

[Jesus]

Ok. Whoa Tim! Easy easy. Hey buddy, leave a little room for the holly ghost, ok.

[Tim Tebow]

Alright

[Jesus]

Ah, here’s the thing. Ok, if we are gonna keep doing this, you guys gotta meet me half way out there, let’s face it, it’s not a good week if every week I the son of God have to come in and drop everything and bail out the Denver Broncos in the fourth quarter. Ok. I’m a busy guy.

[Tim Tebow]

So wait! Your only helping in the fourth quarter.

[Jesus]

Ah – Ya! Ya, if you watch the game film of the first half, I mean come on, 3 for 16, ah come on, I can throw better I’m 2010 years old ah hah.

[Tim Tebow]

I pray to you before every game.

[Jesus]

Ya – I know, I know. I appreciate that that here’s something else you should do before the game eyy eyy stretch. You know, get the arm warm, you know, read the Playbook, alright, do you read that?

[Tim Tebow]

The Holly Bible is my playbook

[Jesus]

Oh, ok great, that’s great. That’s great, but ah but you need to read the reg- you need to read the regular playbook ok?

[Tim Tebow]

(nods head)

[Jesus]

But seriously, I’m doing all the work here.

[Team]

Ah, come on, don’t be so hard on Tim, he’s helping us win.

[Jesus]

Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ah, that’s cute, that’s cute, now, no, Tim’s doing his best God bless him. But you know who you should be thanking, your kicker. Ok, I mean you don’t win unless this guy hits a 59 yard-er, I’m serious, man, Matt Prater, I pray to you, brother.

[Matt Prater - Andy Samberg]

Wow! You pray to me! I didn’t know that.

[Jesus]

Ah ya, you know, that’s because I’m not in every one’s face about it.

[Jesus]

(head knocks Tim)

[Team]

So Jesus spends his time helping people win football games?

[Jesus]

Well you know, here’s the thing, I just go where people call me the most, nowadays that’s a lot of football games. Ah, also the country music awards. You know, I decide all those. Ah, I’m right there at any black event where food is served.

[Team]

Hey man! (laughs)

[Jesus]

(laughs) I’m sorry. I’m forgiven.

[Jesus]

Look, you see the point is you guys gotta help yourself a little, I mean. Can you do that for me?

[Broncos Team]

Yes

[Jesus]

Alright, listen, I can’t be around next week, I got a big birthday coming up and ah, ah I kind of tough to shop for. What do you get for the man who sacrificed everything, right?

[Tim Tebow]

Ya..(laughs)

[Jesus]

Don’t don’t need that. LYBIO.net

[Jesus]

It’ a medium joke at best, alright, I don’t need that, come one. So here’s my advice, alright, just focus up, alright and you’ll be fine. Alright. Who you play next?

[Tim Tebow]

The Patriots.

[Jesus]

Oh boy! Really! Wow! Ok, I did not know that, that’s gonna be a tough one, alright hey, this doesn’t leave this room but if I’m the son of God, Tom Brady’s gotta be the guys nephew, alright. That guys a miracle worker, ok, oh, put that coach ah Belichick, let’s just say: (devil sign) so they are coming at you both ways there. Alright, so any whoo. I’m off to a beauty pageant so best of luck next week, so I’ll try to watch Tim, Tim. I love you.

[Tim Tebow]

(I know) I love you too.

[Jesus]

Ok, alright, just ah “take it down a notch”, will you buddy.

[Tim Tebow]

Yes, Lord, whatever you command.

[Jesus]

Ok, not a command just a request. Alright. Ok, I gotta catch this cloud, all see you all – whoa whoa by the way: Mormonism All True, every single word, ya. Alright, peace, see you guys.

[Team]

Alright, let’s hit the showers.

[All Team]

Ya….

Complete Full Transcript, Dialogue Source: LYBIO.net

Reggie Watts – F_ck Sh_t Stack

Very clever commentary.

But not without creating some serious confusion among humans already present on Earth:

Members of the earth’s earliest known civilization, the Sumerians, looked on in shock and confusion some 6,000 years ago as God, the Lord Almighty, created Heaven and Earth.

According to recently excavated clay tablets inscribed with cuneiform script, thousands of Sumerians—the first humans to establish systems of writing, agriculture, and government—were working on their sophisticated irrigation systems when the Father of All Creation reached down from the ether and blew the divine spirit of life into their thriving civilization.

“I do not understand,” reads an ancient line of pictographs depicting the sun, the moon, water, and a Sumerian who appears to be scratching his head. “A booming voice is saying, ‘Let there be light,’ but there is already light. It is saying, ‘Let the earth bring forth grass,’ but I am already standing on grass.”

“Everything is here already,” the pictograph continues. “We do not need more stars.”

Article continues at The Onion.

MONKEYS TALK ABOUT RELIGION

Monkey Son: Dad, today at school my teacher said we evolved from other animals. That’s not true, is it?
Monkey Dad: Of course not, Steven. We were created by Monkey God in His Monkey image.
Monkey Son: But how do we know for sure God’s a monkey?
Monkey Dad: Well, do you think God throws his own poop and enjoys jumping up and down in place?
Monkey Son: Yeah…?
Monkey Dad: And do you think when he’s eating bananas, he periodically stops chewing and looks around with an angry expression to make sure no one’s plotting to steal them?
Monkey Son: Yeah…?
Monkey Dad: And do you think his ass is slightly less hairy than the rest of his body?
Monkey Son: Yeah.
Monkey Dad: Then, there’s your answer, champ.
Monkey Son: OK… but how do we know God really loves us?
Monkey Dad: Because his Son died for our sins. Monkey Jesus could have ripped off the Roman’s arms and masturbated all over their bodies, but he chose love instead. And I think that makes Him pretty darn special.
Monkey Son: Cool! Thanks, Dad!
Monkey Mom: How’s our son doing?
Monkey Dad: He’s going to be OK, Paula. He’s going to be OK.

Incredibly, I had blogged about George just a few days ago. Wonder what would happen if I blogged about Glenn Beck? Hey, I just did!

George, you will be missed.

Look for the HBO George Carlin marathon on June 25-27.

read more | digg story

This is so good, I can’t stand it.

God loves you… but he needs your money!

There is no Humpty Dumpty and there is no god.

A friend of mine sent me a couple of these irreverent e-cards that definitely got a chuckle out of me.  These folks don’t seem to sit firmly in the non-belief camp, but whomever wrote these cards doesn’t take religion too seriously:

Let’s just relax tonight and watch The Passion of the Christ

 

There are few former carpenters I admire more than Jesus Christ and Harrison Ford

 

I hope the abundant Easter symbols of fertility and rebirth will remind us to fuck like bunnies

 

Sorry the fulfillment of the Lord’s promise means I’m saved and you’re not

 

Adorable candy will help distract us from the astounding horror of a man being nailed to a cross

 

The Easter Bunny still scares the living shit out of me

 

I’d love to decorate Easter eggs with you or a slightly better artist

 

Happy Easter from one lapsed Catholic to another

 

Please join us for Easter dinner unless you’ve already committed to Satan

 

Let’s resume everything we gave up for Lent without any newfound spiritual insights

 

Easter may be the wrong time to tell my parents you’re a Jew

 

Drag a pagan to church this Easter

 

After Jesus, you’re my second-favorite Jew

 

I wish the resurrection of our lord and savior was deemed important enough for a day off work

And the only one that actually made me laugh out loud (not Easter themed):

Have a happy Hanukkah, Hannukkah, Chanukkah, or however the fuck you spell it 

Thanks someecards.com — keep up the good work.

The creator of the show indicates he is a Formon (former Mormon), and as far as I can tell, an atheist.  On his home page (http://www.mrdeity.com) he has a link disguised in the HTML that would certainly imply so.  He directly links http://www.skeptic.com but has it in black-on-black to conceal it ever so slightly.  I guess like many of us, he’s trying to play it cool so he can lock down a lucrative TV deal and appeal to a wider audience.  Why is it that people of completely different religions have more tolerance for each other than for those of us who have essentially no mystical beliefs?  Go figure.